Experiences with Dissociation

Stories about my dissocation, especially my most recent episode | Jan 1 2025

first post of the new year! :D unfortunately, not a very happy topic to start off on...

it was just another car ride. I was driving with my two siblings all the way to los angeles to see my third sibling. I was gazing out the window, enjoying the sights, while chatting to my partner on the side, when something painful occurred. sitting there, I heard my sister mention our old house we lived in when I was 3 years old, and how we had to temporarily live in another house for the time being during some renovations. I had a faint memory of my head of what I thought was this event, but I ignored it and carried on with viewing the sights.

suddenly, without warning, I got the worst amount of brain fog I had felt in a long time. I looked around, looked at the body I seemed to inhabit, and seemed confused about my surroundings and identity. I didn't feel like myself... I felt like a stranger. this feeling of disconnection from myself was accompanied with disconnection from the world around me. I also felt numb but also in deep pain at differing times.

I tried to hide the discomfort by closing my eyes, but I kept opening them to awake to a reality that seemed foreign to me while being in a body that also seemed foreign. everything felt off. it was not a pleasant experience when you're trying to spend some family time with siblings you barely see.

if you know anything about psychology or have had that experience before, you would recognize I had a period of dissociation. I would agree with that. it's normal for a human to have had one or two periods of dissocation before, but not necessarily in the degree that I felt, or even the frequency. unfortunately, dissociation and I are not new to each other. I've had it for a few years at this point, and it feels more uncomfortable each day after the next.

my first memory of dissociation was around 2020 or 2021. however, this was more tied in with an existential crisis, but felt similarly to a long period of dissociation. one promient memory I have of this was when one of my sisters took me out to get food, I looked at the car, and the reality I was surrounded in seemed off. this period was caused by watching an existential type video which detailed on how our universe will look in the distant future, and how it will die out. what truly caused the period was my dad mentioning a novel concept in where the universe is infinitely born, lives, and dies out. and each resulting version of the universe is the same as every other. so basically, in the time period that I'm in right now, it could've already happened in a previous iteration and I'm just repeating that iteration unknowingly.

after that, any memories I had relating to dissociation were about some empty feeling that I had during the day. usually, if I had done nothing productive on a weekend for example, I felt some existential dread. in these memories, the dread felt similar to dissociation, although not in the same way.

as I discovered myself as a girl and went through the process of seeing myself more as one, I developed a stronger sense of discomfort in reality. it started pretty tame, but overtime became more noticable throughout my day. the feeling was especially potent during school days, since I also had a feeling of loneliness connected to school, despite having some friends there. I feel like I cannot deeply relate to anyone at my school, at least those who I know somewhat well. some days just felt incredibly fake and unreal due to my growing dissociation. those experiences are quite painful and I do not want them to return.

as you can see, dissociation and I really aren't new. nowadays, I believe my dissociation is tied in with my gender dysphoria since I don't appear to be all feminine to people irl and only to those online. even with looks, yes. I hope to resolve these issues soon... -w-