My First Rant

Rant about my life, in terms of social interaction and being trans | Nov 9 2024

the image for this thumbnail was drawn by me in 2022. I used ms paint on a windows xp vm, which explains the image quality.

this post will be a bit messy, as I will be tackling some troubling thoughts and experiences I have had recently in my life. I structured this post similarly to this post from goldy, which also talks about the topic of concealing your identity from others. I recommend reading it if you have time to spare. :P

Dissatisfaction with my Life

why does my life constantly feel like it lacks meaning? I try to find it in my silly projects that I post online and/or offline, but it seemingly does not feel like enough for me. do I need to socialize more outdoors? do I need to find more beyond the house I live in?

the problem is with going outside is that I have to present myself to the outside world. I feel forced to have to disguise myself in boy clothes when going outside, when I would rather dress in a nice skirt while having lipstick on. I constantly get compliments from others online about how feminine I look and how passing I can be, but those words of compliments never seem to encourage me truly. whenever I look into the mirror, I feel differently about my appearance as a girl at different times. at one time, I may feel very gender euphoric, but at another, I feel uncomfortable with my appearance and want to leave my own body.

instead of expressing myself who I truly am, I put on a mask and hide myself from others. this mask felt conscious at first, but I have noticed it has become more unconscious when around others. I tend to change my tone, posture, and other mannerisms when certain people are around. I desire to put away this mask for good, but there's another big problem: coming out.

The Problem with Coming Out

coming out as a trans person is such a daunting task for me. I've already came out to a few people irl. it seemed easy to actually say the words, but afterwards I never truly take any steps to express myself more as a girl. for example, I have friends at my school who are aware of my trans identity. despite this though, I feel discomfort if I were to show up to school in girl clothing and act more fruity than I usually do. it's gonna take a while to get over this fear. -w-

I also feel uncomfortable being around cis girls. like yes girl, I'm glad you were able to get the people around you to recognize you as a girl and appreciate your clothing habits. but unfortunately, I don't get that luxury :<.

the worst part about coming out is I have to come out to my parents. I came out to my mom, and she easily accepted that I'm trans and told me she would love me no matter what, but then she never followed up on it. she still refers to me by my dead name and with pronouns I don't prefer people use. I think I may have to give her reminders that I'm trans, but I somehow feel yet more discomfort to do so.

then coming out to my dad is a whole other problem. I have no idea how he'll react, whether it will be positive or negative. he doesn't seem to want to accept that I tie my shirt or wear short shorts. but maybe if I told him about my gender identity, he would understand. it still feels very daunting though, which I understand is what all trans people feel.

I really hope I can figure all of this out in the next several months of my life. it has already been 6 months since I discovered I'm trans and I feel closer to being a girl yet I still feel so far.

if you read to the end of this rant, thank you. it means you probably care about my problems. :D